This is me – at my worst moment on my best day.
I’ve been wanting to get these thoughts out of my head for months. My son is approaching 9 months old and every day he is literally a new person. I look at him and wonder, “Who the heck are you? Are you really mine? Did I really grow you?”
Questions like these constantly swirl around in my mind. And feelings of complete uncertainty do as well.
You see, I finally feel like I have declared my truth. My ultimate failure at my worst moment on my best day when my son, Roman, was born.
Recently I had the privilege of attending one of the most powerful self-development and wellness conferences I have ever had the opportunity to participate in. It was at this event during an awakening presentation where I peeled off layers of what I call “my unconfident clothes” to admit that I never felt as much like a failure as I did the day of my son’s birth.
This is not a blog to pity me or “feel bad,” etc. Quite opposite. My purpose is to admit that I was off-course, but have now turned back onto the road I was on…the path where I am meant to be.
I know – Aubrey you had/have a beautiful healthy boy, WTF are you so insecure about?!
Honestly, my labor experience brought me back to six years ago when I had my life changed in a matter of minutes. The day my corporate wellness company shattered and I lost literally everything I had built-up over three years with the snap of two fingers.
In hindsight, I see where the life lesson of my corporate wellness company “failing” prepared me for my son’s birth. I prepared tremendously for my son’s birthday just as all moms do. The desire inside of me was to deliver this little boy naturally. Although I labored with all my might for over 3 days, I could not fulfill my expectations. I was rushed to the hospital to eventually have an emergency c-section…all of the months spent on preparing for a natural, vagina birth was gone…and because I was 10 days over my due date, I put my life and Roman’s life in danger.
30 % of all women have cesarean deliveries. And WOW, I had no idea how I would process this internally. For the last 8 months I shut down my identity as a sexual person, I mentally tormented myself into a place of sheer disgust and disappointment. I became an enemy to myself.
Everything around me began to die (at least it felt this way) and suffer. My relationships, my business, and myself.
Do I feel guilty for feeling this way?
YES! Jeez, I was raised Roman Catholic – I feel guilty for literally everything I do! As I recently realized at a Tony Robbins event: My favorite flavor of suffering is GUILT!
Why did I feel like a failure?
At this point, it does not matter. I am entitled to my feelings. Even if you view them as “wrong.” I am admitting that I felt this way.
How will I break this cycle?
I promise to work on it every damn day. Just as I have cultivated this evil habit of self-deprecation, I am working to create a new habit to take charge of my life again – just like I did after parting ways with my old corporate wellness company; instead of completely giving up hope and telling myself I could never have a business as successful as that one again, I chose to keep my business and turn it into something even more special and unique than I could ever hope for – I grew a studio that houses a fitness family and has brought me daily joy. My worst moment on my best day has been a blessing. You have heard plenty of stories similar to mine before…over and over.
Our worst moments on our best days are a blessing. My interpretation of getting served a shit sandwich is this: Either you keep taking bites and eating that shit, OR you order something else on the damn menu.
Waiter, check, please!
It is because of my son AND super-supportive-amazing-outstanding-handsome-talented husband that I choose to be the person I KNOW I am.
I – just like YOU – am meant to continue to do amazing things.
I – just like YOU – will continue to improve lives.
I – just like YOU – am here for a purpose bigger than my body.
I – just like YOU – choose to transfer my thoughts of failure into a fuel that will grow my fire and turn the story of my life into a lasting legacy.
What real-life example can you share that will release you from your past and set you free to embark on your true desired future?