To all the women reading this who have had children, are currently pregnant, and who want to have children, I send my utmost love and respect to you!  Life is a blessing and please know that before you proceed to reading this, I am writing this from a place of personal experience and am beyond impressed with how strong the female body is designed.  Before I was pregnant I had NO IDEA what an experience the first trimester would be….DAMN!

I have been wanting to blog about my experience for the last 4 months.  Thing is, I have felt so shitty 24/7 with intense nausea that I could not sit up straight long enough to type on my computer and put a decent paragraph together.  For some of you, you may feel this entry may come off as an exaggeration – to that I say, WHATEVZ!!! The last 17 weeks I have put on a somewhat happy face (I probably could have done a way better job) and have spent my days bitching and complaining behind closed doors like I was a bratty child.  Looking back on everything, I have no idea how I got my ass to the gym or to work for that matter.  But I did it begrudgingly.

I found out I was pregnant about 6 weeks along.  The way I found out…well, let’s just say it was “memorable” (reader discretion is advised).  After I missed my period by about a week, I took a home pregnancy test and it came out “negative.”  I thought it was weird because my boobs were lookin’ a little “too good.”  But I’ve had late periods before, so I went on my merry way thinking nothing of it.

After a few more weeks I contracted a TERRIBLE G.I. infection.  I have NEVER had something so violent hit me – I actually shit my pants!  Thank the LORD this did not happen in public and I made it home in time after teaching a yoga class.  Well, obviously I did not make it in time to use the toilet, but at least it was in the privacy of my own home.  Jeez, it was traumatizing…and hysterical when I think back about it…come on, when was the last time YOU shit YOUR pants?!  When you were 3?!?!

After five solid days of intense toilet abusing, my husband took me to the E.R.  I finally had enough of this demon virus and knew I needed to be medically treated.

That is when we found out.  The doc at the hospital tested my blood to see exactly what was going on and after a few hours he joyfully bounced back into my hospital room and delivered the news – WE WERE PREGNANT.  I almost shit my pants again while hitting my hand on my head and shouting, “WHAT?!”  Then, I looked over at my husband to see how overjoyed he was…I thought he was going to pee his pants.  It really was a cool moment. We had just started “trying” and I guess I thought it would’ve taken us a bit longer.

So, I was very grateful on how quickly we got pregnant.  I know how hard it is for couples sometimes…and it breaks my heart.  Please know I do not take this for granted.  I feel very blessed and I am working very hard to embrace all of these crazy changes that are taking toll on me.

Today, after 17 weeks and 1 day I finally FEEL GOOD!  Food no longer tastes like metal, and the constant feeling of, I-want-to-hurl-in-your-face-and-die, has stopped!!!!

Some women have told me that they did not even know they were pregnant until 4+ months.  WOW.  I think that means you are meant to have lots of babies.  Then there are the women who have told me how they barfed everyday for a solid 9 months.  To them I say, “God bless you.  There is a special place for you in heaven.”  I’d be a “one and DONE” if that happened to me.

Overall I guess I’m the norm.  Nonetheless, I am mentally and emotionally struggling with the changes my body is going through.  I am already dreaming of my post-baby-body (#TooSoon) and I long for the days where I can train for a fitness competition again.

This is simply the way I feel right now.  I am sure I will change and start to embrace my baby bump once it becomes a real bump.  Right now I feel like I need to wear a sign on my back that says, “Hey, I am freakin’ pregnant!  Don’t judge me!”  It has been very hard seeing my entire being become thicker.  I do not feel the least bit attractive and I avoid looking in the mirror.  I have even snarled at random dudes at the gym if they look at me more than once.  But, I know this is a life lesson for me.  To let go of the stupid superficial crap…to be less selfish…and to get ready for more big changes.

Everyone says, “Aubrey, it’s all worth it and only temporary.”  And of course I agree.  But it does not take away from the fact of how much pressure a woman can put on herself to look good.  The sense of letting go of control of what is happening to me is unnerving.  My goal is to learn from each trimester and work towards loving and embracing my body at each stage.  Everyday I look down at my belly and tell my baby how much I love him or her.  I am not “mad at the baby” because of these changes.  It is unfortunate that women have to go through such shitty times – but that’s life and 99% of the things I have achieved over time have come with struggles.

Fortunately I have been supported by my husband every step of the way.  And may God bless all of my friends and family who have listened to me cry on my worst days.  Ugh!

This is just the beginning and I will begin to embrace the new me.  And DAMN STRAIGHT I plan to stay fit as hell for my own personal sanity as well as for my baby.  One step at a time.

And on the bright side, at least I’m done shitting my pants.